Now before you think I am talking about pyramid selling,  I can assure you that the real power of Relationship Pyramids is much more important than that.  When I use the term Relationship Pyramid, I am describing the way that we have many different degrees of relationships with people around us. 

The vast majority of those meetings are one-off courtesies:

“Hi, I’m Tom.  Nice tie…see you around”

We have thousands, if not millions, of these sort of relationships in our life and so they form the big fat base of our pyramid. 

Up the top of the pyramid is only room for one person (or perhaps 2 if you are careful).  The relationships towards the top are the most intimate and important relationships in your life.  These are the relationships where you have the most trust, commitment and confidence.

In between these 2 extremes are an infinite range of relationships.  The further you look up the pyramid, it will be clear that there are less and less people at each level.  This is because we all have a limited capacity to relate with others at these increasingly intense levels.  Some people will have tall steep pyramids, while others will have short flat ones.  This depends on your personality and the situation you are in.  No matter what the shape, there is always a point towards the top.

Now this is all fine in theory but what does it mean in practice?  When you consider a particular relationship you may be able to visualize where the other person would fit on your pyramid.  When the other person thinks about their relationship with you, they may be able to place you on their pyramid as well.  Things move along nicely when we both see the relationship at the same level.  Usually, however,  there is some discrepancy between where you both fit on each other’s pyramids.

If you are at the top of my pyramid, but I am half way down yours then there is bound to be troubles.  If you consider me a mid-range friend, but to me, you are barely an acquaintance then we are destined for difficulty. 

For me, this has had a profound effect on how I relate with others.  I’ll leave you to think about the implications of this simple analogy for yourself.  Just a hint though…To some degree we have the power to move up or down another person’s pyramid.  Please drop a comment on what sort of implications this could have on effective relationships.

Thanks

Tom    

In 1887, Tonnies wrote Gemeinschaft and Gesellshaft to describe two different types of organisations.  His theory divided organisations into 2 distinct flavours based on why individuals belong.  This has serious implications for each of us as we belong to, develop or initiate organisations whenever we want to interact effectively with others.  It is important to remember that an organisation exists whenever we purposefully interact with others. (more…)

As he approached on his way towards the elevator my two year old daughter was facing the other way.  Then as he was almost next to her she turned around and looked up into the face of this massive man.  He must have seemed like a giant to my tiny little girl and she said exactly what came into her head:

“Ooooh….Big one”

She said it loudly and excitedly, in exactly the same way as she does when I hand her a parcel that she can’t lift off the ground.  It is her way of saying that she appreciates the size and it is sort of magnificent.  “Ooooh …Big one”.

Of course, as adults we would never say that in earshot of a massive, powerful Sumo wrestler.  We wouldn’t consider it because we would be afraid to cause offence or disrespect.  We are conscious of everything we say and particularly so when it concerns a man with massive hands and the ability to crush normal adults.  But my daughter doesn’t understand about causing offence.  She doesn’t guard her words.  She hasn’t even worked out how to talk maliciously.  And she is much better off.

You see instead of her innocence causing problems, it actually averts them.  While she could say any number of hurtful things without the safety catch on her mouth, she doesn’t even think to.  What she says is what she means.  There is no loaded meaning or harmful subtext.  If she says he is a big one, then he probably is a big one and there is no harm in that.  If she tells me that she wants me to stop talking, then she wants me to stop talking, there is no harm done and we move on.

What we see as we grow older and supposedly wiser, is that as we lose our innocence we replace it with negative things.  Instead of observing what we see in an uncomplicated way, we instinctively jump to judgements.  Rather than deciding that a person looks different to us, we decide that he is a hippy.  Rather than describing how someone behaved we judge that she is stupid.  

Of course this is a necessary part of maturity.  We develop these shortcuts and courtesies to simplify life, but how much more authentic is my daughters interaction with the world. 

This leads me to my point in writing this article and that is to mention the dignity of being young.  Although my daughter has only lived for 2 years, she has a lot more integrity and honesty than most adults I know.  She sees the world without bias and discrimination and so she sees it as it really is.  Over time, I expect she will gradually lose this gift.  School, friends and family will gradually “educate” her into maturity.  But I am going to try and not be a part of that aspect of growing up .  My aim, as a father, is to give my children the oportunity to see reality and be real with the world for as long as it is possible.  I have no idea how to do this, but I am going to try and find out.  I am sure that some parents succeed but I don’t know how they do it.  Does anyone have any ideas?

Thanks

Tom