Effectivity

How to Say No

Saying ”No” to a genuine request is a very hard thing to do.  So much so, that the Japanese have a popular phrase that totally avoids the word, but still means “No”.  If you ask a Japanese person if they will do something that they can’t or won’t do, they will reply by saying, with a sort of apologetic tone:

Sumimasen Chyoto …

Which loosely translated means “Excuse me a little…”  They haven’t actually said “No” but the message is still clear. 

It is hard for us to say “No” because:

• There are so many good things that we would like to do with our time.
• We don’t want to offend others by implying that what their request isn’t important.
• We don’t want to be less important to them.
• We don’t know when to say “No”  because we haven’t decided  what to say “Yes” to.

Saying “No” is the hardest when a request includes the following four points:

1. It appeals to parts of our personality and capabilities that we are proud of.
2. It would be difficult to find someone else who could say yes to the same request.
3. It is clear that someone needs to say yes because it is such an important request.
4. We are under time and energy pressure at the time of the request.

If these four factors occur in a legitimate request, the pressure to comply can be extremely strong, but how can we afford to say Yes?  There seems to be an unlimited number of demands on our time.  There is always more that we could or should do.  Habitually saying yes whenever something is asked of us is a sure way to reduce our ability to achieve what we set out to do. 

On the other hand, we can choose to isolate ourselves from the world and always say “No”.  This will cut off our cooperation with those around us and will significantly reduce our effectivity as well.  Habitually saying “No” will set you up as an independent loner and will make it very hard for you to achieve your goals in this world. 

There is a simple way to decide when to say “No” but it requires some preemptive work.  It all starts with knowing what you want to achieve with your life.  After some serious contemplation, you should be able to clearly see what is important to you and how you are going to pursue these things.  These goals should be broken down into effective action steps that describe exactly what has to be done to finally reach our goals.  These effective action steps are the key to deciding when to say “No”.

• If someone makes a request of you that lines up with one of your effective action steps then of course you should say “Yes”.  It is in your best interests to get involved.
• If saying “Yes” will have little or limited impact on you achieving your effective action steps and the request is otherwise reasonable then you should say “Yes”.
• If their request is so important that it will save the world then perhaps you should put your effective action steps temporarily aside and say “Yes”.  We have some underlying responsibility to others that comes in front of our own objectives.  When this has occurred is up to you.
• In all other cases you should say “No”. 

How to say “No”

The most effective “No” will combine words, attitude and action together to clearly convey the message

The words will be polite, clear, definite and supportive.  These four factors will help your refusal to be accepted and even appreciated without causing undue offence.

• Polite refusals, refuse the request not the requester.  They are phrased in words that give dignity to the request and understanding to the requester.  A polite refusal should do no harm to the relationship and help both parties walk away with dignity.
• Clear refusals leave no room for confusion.  They are phrased in words which are precise and well understood in the context.  They aren’t overly softened or vague, and the requester will leave understanding exactly that you said “No”  
• Definite refusals are refusals that leave no doubt that when you say “No” you mean “No” and that you are not subject to convincing.  The least effective refusal comes across as “I’ll have to think about it” or “Try asking again later, you may have luck”.  We owe it to the requester to be definite that we won’t be saying “Yes” now or in the near future, so they would be better off looking elsewhere.  When you have decided to say “No” make sure you are definite and that the matter is complete. 
• Supportive refusals begin and end with support.  A simple supportive beginning may sound like “I know that this is very important to you but …..”.  A simple supportive ending may sound like “I am glad you asked me and I am sorry that I wasn’t able to help”.  The requester is left feeling that you do care about whatever relationship that you have and that you are supporting them in their bid to find assistance.  The requester has the opportunity to leave now with motivation intact and search for someone else who may be able to say “Yes”.  This is simple respect and is the only way to conserve valuable relationships while still saying “No”.

 The words you choose should include:

1. Thanks for asking
2. An apology for not being able to comply
3. A valid and important reason for not being able to comply
4. A confirmation that the request was carefully considered
5. Sometimes a suggestion for who to ask next

The attitude that you should take when saying “No” could be described as strong but understanding.  There should be no sense of condescension in your mannerisms.  You are only saying “No” because you have discovered that saying “Yes” would make you less effective in achieving your goals, and this is what you should be saying.  The requester must not be left thinking that you said “No” because you are lazy, too proud, cold or uncooperative.

Your actions must clearly support your words and attitudes.  Saying “No” to helping someone move house and then turning up “just for a few minutes”  lets them know that your “No” doesn’t mean “No”.  Saying “No” but then acting “Yes” confirms their opinion that you don’t know what you want.  Saying “No” but then still asking for more details is just the same as saying “Yes”.  Your actions after saying “No” must confirm that “No” is what you meant.

In the end it is those people who decide what they need to do and set about doing it, who achieve their goals.  Saying “No” sometimes, will not make you the most popular person, but if it is said well it can help others respect, value and understand you.  If you want to try and please everyone, say Yes - but if you want to live a truly effective life, often you have to say no.

 Have you ever found it difficult to say “No”, and how did you eventually achieve it? 

© LifeGoalAction.