lifestyle

The Most Important Date in my Diary

I have been married for over ten years now (to my first and only wife).  This makes me feel like a statistical freak if I can believe all that I read about increasing divorce rates and decreasing average marriage duration.  If I add to these statistics the number of people in seriously dead marriages that are just continuing for economic or family reasons, then I get the feeling that marriage is an endangered species.

My wife and I went into our marriage with a fairly realistic view of our chances of long term success.  We decided early on that we would have to do things differently to others, if we hoped to have a great marriage that lasts.  We decided that, before the honeymoon was over, we had to set some things in place that would help our marriage to grow, rather than wither over the rest of our lives.

Now, we are not the perfect couple, if such things exist, and we have our range of problems but none that have been able to beat our secret weapon.  Our primary defense against divorce is that every week, my wife and I have what we call a Date Night. 

Before we were married we would always be booking in at least a couple of nights a week to spend together and this is how we really got to know each other.  All we have done is carry this same principle into our marriage so that each week we set aside one night to do nothing except spend time with each other.  This sounds way too simple, but tell me how many busy couples keep a habit of booking in a night each week for a Date after they get married?

Our Date Nights have varied from fishing trips to quiet dinners on the beach.  From romantic restaurants to Pizza in front of a movie.  We usually take it in turns to decide what we’ll do but whatever it is, it must follow these simple rules:

1. It can not be, or can not feel like, work - planning a holiday together might be a good date night, but planning to move house is just disguised work
2. It must be exclusively us - We can go to a concert with 10,000 people but we deliberately don’t go anywhere with people we know.
3. The date and the night must be deliberately planned in advance - Otherwise it always ends up being a cop out.
4. It must be something that we are both likely to enjoy.
5. We must be able to switch off from work and stress - This often means turning off phones or at least screening calls so that we are effectively out of range

Our Date Nights have become one night of the week that is 100% fun.  We always spend some time catching up and staying in touch, which can be difficult during the rush of a normal week.  We are always doing something that we love with someone that we love.  What could be better. 

As a result this habit has had some amazing stickiness in our lives.  Just about everything has changed over the past decade, but week in and week out we still make time for a Date Night.  In fact over that time, I would be surprised if we had missed more than 5 or 6 weeks and these would be because one of us was travelling.

Why I am writing this today is because tonight is Date Night in Tom O’Leary’s house.  The kids will be tucked up in bed, I am in charge of creating dinner, and Jen has hired a copy of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that we have been looking forward to watching.  We’ll have a quiet drink and a talk as I assemble a monster pasta dish, then we’ll eat it together, just the two of us.  We’ll head down stairs and enjoy what we hope will be a great movie and then head off to bed.  It is a very simple night but one of the best in my week.  

I rate my Date Night with my wife as the most important night in my week, because out of all of my goals, having a lifelong, loving, successful marriage is a very high priority for me.  This is a simple tool that is working like a dream for us.  Would it work for everyone?  I can’t say, but it is definitely worth a try.

Are we alone in this?  Are other married or de facto couples doing the same thing?  I’d love to hear about your successes in growing your relationship with your favourite person.

Thanks

Tom